Today I began yet another day of living off of my 24 borrowed hours. What am I to do? Where am I to go? How will I make use of my day? Will I move fast or keep it slow? Sometimes I get caught up in the rhymes, caught up in the rhythm. That I lose the sense. That happens a lot during my 24 hours. I woke up around 5 a.m. today, meditated and prayed for someone I love dearly and fell back to sleep. I woke up at 7:35 and had to be at the mechanic at 8, so I rushed through my toothbrushing and face washing. Didn’t pay any mind to the morning routine I have been so “diligently” trying to implement. There’s another thing I do too, I’m very hard on myself. As a result, I’m very hard on others as well. I don’t know if whoever is reading this has ever been personally victimized by my harshness but if you have, forgive me. I am learning.. I would say I am a student of life but I wouldn’t say that life has been my primary teacher. I am a student of the cosmos, when I can’t find an answer in the endless, restlessness of this life- i look to the cosmos. Sometimes I stare at the sky, sometimes I close my eyes and stare at my insides. Silently waiting for the cosmos to reveal the secrets of the universe to me so this life can become less drab. So far, I’ve learned a lot, I must say. I am 26 years old as of two months ago and my 16 year old self would have said I was old. I have had a strange relationship with time lately. I have begun to see myself as missing out on life instead of ripe and in the middle of life. It has been quite strange, considering.
I have so much anger inside. Why am I so angry? So tired? So depressed, anxious and cynical? I’ve always felt that there were two people inside of me. This isn’t just me, apparently theres entire debates and theories and whatever else on this. There is apparently a native saying that there are two wolves that live within us (light and dark), and whichever we feed, wins. I heard someone comment on this and say why should they be fighting over food, feed them equally and create internal balance. This I really loved because I love the idea that we don’t have to hide from our dark and starve it, because like the light it is part of us. But we don’t want to feed one more than the other because going too far off to either side may trap us in a wave of illusion, almost an ignorance to the imbalance happening within us. But then I think- well what about monks? They are human like us and they’ve achieved something far deeper than illusion by completely surrendering to the light. BUT this could not have been done without first acknowledging and accepting the dark. Once something is consciously acknowledged then you can move onto focusing what you actually want to grow. I don’t know today has been weird. I’ve done nothing all day. I don’t like it. I don’t know if i like me. Will update later.
8:46 pm ~ sometimes i get so lucid i want to die. truly. i think we should normalize the thought of death. i think it’s very normal to think of dying, of escaping. i really do. i think of it all the time. but thoughts are just thoughts. at some point we must realize that life comes from us. we put up walls where there are free pathways, for why? why do we tear down vast jungles of life and create concrete jungles to enslave ourselves? i was so very, painfully aware of this today. i spent over 7 hours being paralyzed by my thoughts and completely overwhelmed, i didn’t do anything. i didn’t make the tapestry for my dear friend, didn’t clean my car, nothing. at one point i had to leave the place i’m staying and start driving. wasn’t long before i pulled over to the side of the road to cry. and yell at myself. i’m pretty hard on myself, kind of a hard ass bitch truly. but ima boss ass bitch so i think that’s where it comes from. i truly just hate when i just fuck off and let external things ruin me and then blame everything. i hate being the victim. in a society where people rush to the stands for the victim olympics. i’m trying so desperately to break free. autonomy, sovereignty. these are the things i crave. to be in complete control by releasing all possible control. this is very hard. very possible. and i will achieve it. i will gain control of my thoughts and emotions. i will not allow others to control me, my emotions or my life. I AM NOT A VICTIM! I AM FREE WILL! AND I DO NOT CHOOSE SUFFERING. after i cried in my car and had a very ~serious~ talk with myself. i went to my storage unit and began the process of cleaning it and my van so i can re-begin my journey. i am proud of myself. i had a very hard day mentally but i still did that shit. i still showed up, even for a little. and THAT my beautiful internet friends, is where freedom lies.
xoxoxoxo, lady soi