24 borrowed hours : the void

the look of desire, fulfillment. the look in a child’s eyes when their food comes to the table. the look in a lovers eyes when you ask for advice. the look of longing, the look of despair. the way the child looks when their food falls to the ground. the way i look at an empty space when i wish you were there. desire longing lust wanting – temporary houses in which we can hide, from the conscious one who’s always asking us why. we hide behind big things, fun things, drunk things, things that allow us to pretend that the despair is no longer there.

seemingly potent desires that are fulfilled for too long will pave a clear way to show you what is really wrong. what happens after the angry child eats? after the lovers are together day after day? after i realize that you won’t come back to stay? life sets in and we have to deal with the day after day. i mean, a child obviously has less in his way than the lovers who argue and the lonesome girl with no one who’ll stay. however, we all eventually have to deal with the object of our desires. and most of the time, we’ll realize that it isn’t at all rooted in the wants that desires inspire.

i’m not sure if it’s there when we’re children, what do you think? i think it might be. especially if as a child we find ourselves in situations that are less than ideal, from this point on~ the void begins to grow. satisfied with yummy foods, new toys, funny shows – all temporary joys. the void continues to grow and by the time of the lovers, it’s taken control. have you ever stood in front of the void? rumor has it, it sucks up everything it sees. surrendering it to the darkness, leaving no trace for others to see.

what’s the void? it appears to be introduced with consciousness… as soon as we’re able to discern – we start to question things, start to try and figure things out. why is green green mommy? what does that do? and as we get older, the questions become longer and more persistent. more philosophical, bigger, gaping. When the questions leave unanswered, they leave behind the hopelessness of an unanswered question. The emptiness you feel when you ask a question in search of meaning, while on a quest to find the meaning of life, the meaning of purpose. That emptiness grows and personifies, some of us begin to identify as the void- as a black hole that sucks everything up and leaves no survivors. Start to feel like the void has already sucked us up and we’re floating lifelessly within it, no way out. I lived in my own void for a long time. The void is different for everyone, but what i’ve come to learn is that a void is not a blackhole, they are different things. when you stand in front of the void, question it, make yourself define it- it dies. because it’s not real. it doesn’t suck all that is around it up leaving no survivors. it’s not that serious. fear would have you think so, but it isn’t.

the only way out is in. if the feelings i have described feel familiar. then it’s time for you to stand in front of the void. confront it. ask it what it is? why do you feel this void? how long have you felt it? what makes it feel smaller? larger? at some point you’ll realized that it’s not real, the world is actually amazing. you created the void and threw yourself inside then told yourself it was all that is and would ever will be. do you really believe that?

xoxoo lady soi

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