Do you want to have sex with me?

yesterday i was pumping gas at the gas station when this homeless man came up to me and asked if he could shine my front lights. he said he could get them like new again, but he would charge me $20. i almost said no, then he told me he lived on a bridge with 20 other people and i would really be helping them out if i said yes… then he looks at me with the puppy dog eyes and says “please”. and of course, i said yes. i mean what’s $20 to those puppy dog eyes!

so i come out from getting the cash and he’s shining away at the lights. i inspect it and tell him he did a beautiful job and award him the money he earned.

he then asks, “do you have a boyfriend?”

“no, i don’t”, i say

“what do you do for sex?”, he asks as though he just asked me what my name was.

i’m a little taken aback so i don’t answer right away..

“do you want to have sex with me?” he asks again as though it’s a question as simple as, what’s your name?

“no, thank you.”

SO my friends, what can we learn from this extremely forward yet shockingly considerate man? he just asked me if i wanted to have sex with him, minutes after he told me he lived on a bridge with 20 other people. when he asked me this, he did not have a hint of shame or fear. when i replied and negated the offer, he did not have a hint of shame or rejection. what i learned from this man was that rejection only exists in your mind, not in the real world. if someone says no to your offer- be it for sex, a job, a friendship or a follow on social media- it should not affect you in anyway. rejection is born from the self-talk that continues in YOUR head after the conversation has taken place and the “no” has been stated. he went along his merry way and my rejection of his offer did not affect his self esteem, or the way he showed up in the world. so why is it that we, who have everything and don’t need to sleep on a bridge, are so easily swayed when someone says no to us? why is our self-esteem and self-image so easily wounded?

because of the self-talk! the things we tell ourselves after the exchange is over is what creates the residual effects of hate, etc. in our minds. so go out today and MAKE AN OFFER! PRACTICE REJECTION! put yourself in a situation where a “no” is more likely than a yes, then allow yourself to practice brushing off the no! it’s not a big deal when someone says no because if they do, then you’re right back to where you started and nothing has changed! don’t tell yourself how shitty and worthless you are because someone refused you. tell yourself that they’re missing out, or you don’t need them anyways or whatever fits your situation and will allow you to LET IT GO!! ask questions, make offers, go first and life will reward you. don’t let your fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

i love you.

How to know when you need a break/Recognizing your own boundaries

Much of our society, life and culture is centered around productivity. Many of us (including me) have this self destructive belief that if we aren’t doing something 24/7, if we aren’t being productive then we should feel guilty. There’s so many times when I haven’t been feeling very well but pushed myself to go to work anyways or, if i didn’t go to work, i made myself feel guilty all day for not pushing through it and being productive. This is a common phenomenon in present day and it is very important that we continue to lift the veil on this misconception.

Today, I woke up and my body was feeling so heavy and my neck was stiff. I struggled with going to my martial arts class or not. I didn’t want to be a pushover to myself nor did I want to miss class. But my neck was so stiff it hurt to move it. Going to class would’ve made it worse. So instead of pushing myself I recognized my boundaries and RESPECTED THEM! This is such an important concept to embody because just as we need to respect the boundaries of others, we need to respect our own boundaries as well.

Understand and accept that you are more than your societal person and you have a complex system inside of you, working hard to keep you alive and sometimes we need a break! so take a moment today to analyze where you can be a little more gracious in your life, give yourself a little more leeway, and TAKE A BREAK!

i love you!

you ever feel like you’re late to your life?

have any of you ever felt like you woke up in the middle of your life?

i have been living through this for about a year now and it is quite tough to get through. i teeter between excitement to finally feel fully alive in my body and anxiety that i’m late. that somehow or someway i should’ve already done these things, that i wasted so much time.

feelings like this are hard to cope with many times. they can feel immensely overwhelming and are undeniably the building blocks of anxiety because they are rooted in worry. but our job as humans and as owners of these thoughts and feelings is to analyze them, get to the core and figure out what it is we’re really afraid of. what is triggering this fear? this worry? this negativity? some of the things that fuel this fire are the beliefs that we won’t have enough time to do what we want to do or that we will die or that we won’t be able to live the way we want or that we’ll never accomplish our dreams, etc. etc. because of these fears many of us don’t even try!! we don’t even try to live the life of our dreams!! we stay on autopilot because we are afraid to fail… but what we don’t realize is that by choosing not to try, you have already failed and by choosing faith, you can not fail.

our brains can not accept conflicting thoughts. so it is very important that we get to the core and figure out how we truly feel about things. because once we do, we can let go of those that aren’t in line with what we TRULY believe. many times, our opinions/thoughts/beliefs are rooted in the opinions of others or negative beliefs we have about ourselves. it is CRUCIAL that we free ourselves from these things if we are to show up in the world full forced.

so when i have these thoughts that i’m “late” to my own life, i laugh and i check MYSELF. because it is impossible for me to be late to my own life! i’m not living on someone else’s timeline, i’m living on my own! so how can it be, that i’m late? late compared to what? we have to develop a sense of trust, this is vital to creating a comfortable rhythm between you and life. trust is a practice! so start with things that will not disappoint you, the inevitable truths of life. then, trust yourself. trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be, because it is! there are infinite possibilities in the world, infinite “timelines” so to speak. there is a reason why this one is happening and why we are here, now. so BE HERE NOW. accept the moment, this infinite and divine present moment, for it is all we have. the past no longer exists, although effects of it may still linger, it is gone. and it is up to US as responsible, conscious humans to CHECK OURSELVES and put ourselves back on the right path when we stray away. with love, grace, trust and the power of your will, you will become who you want to be. it takes great courage to do so. start now! accept your life for what is has been and what it will be, and BE FREEEEEE MY LOVES, BE FREE!!!!

i love you

-lady, soi.

letting go

The Life of Stardust.

i have to let go. i have to step into the unknown. I close my eyes and I can picture it. the unknown. it is vast and dark. i picture a flat plain leading out into infinity. i do not know where it starts or where it ends. all i know is that it is there and i can feel it and it consumes me when i truly picture it. the way i have been living my life is no longer the way i want to live. i must take this step this risk and venture into the uncharted seas of me and of we. i must let go and trust in myself, and all of the things i do not know. in these desolate undiscovered places of my being that are mirrored in this reality. i have to push myself and motivate myself and be there and true. this…

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endgame

The Life of Stardust.

what if we understand life as dr. strange did when he gave the time stone to thanos? what if we understood, or even accepted for a moment, that this is the only way it will work out… that out of all the possible realities it has to occur like this in order for it to work out. now, who knows if that’s true, but nothing is really true until it’s true soooo i feel like thinking that this is our only chance, to live, to wake-up, to make love, to do SOMETHING, will help us in more ways than one. it could help us live more driven and inspired lives, help us to cultivate what it is we really want to see in the world, what we would like to do in the world and for the world. because believing this is your only chance to experience this moment (which…

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afloat

The Life of Stardust.

just tryna stay afloat

what if i drown

and don’t make a sound

will anyone notice my silent cries

as i whisper my last goodbye

if i fall below the sea

will i arise a stronger version of me?

i think about life a lot

about death

how many times have you died?

felt the sweet caress of resuscitation,

beating inside your chest

i am an ocean

i swell and ebb

one with the flow,

don’t even hold my breath

flow so empty, makes me feel so deep

like i could fall forever

and never land on my feet

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Freedom…Freedumb?

I look around and see a world. A world plagued with experiences that only I have had. With thoughts that only I have thought, scenes only i have seen, feelings only i have felt. i look at this world and i feel trapped. trapped in a cage of my own experience, my own thought, my own creation.

banging on the walls, begging for an out. where the wall meets the floor, i find a crack. i get on my knees and peer out of my world and into the universe. i see people laughing, people crying, cars crashing, waitresses dashing, planes flying, i see a universe in motion. i see worlds colliding and coming apart. i see stars falling, stars shining, constellations leading the way. i look around this universe and i see so many worlds. so many worlds revolving around the same sun. the sun of love. the sun of light. the sun of humanity. i sit back and lean my head against my world. i look around my world and bleakness, fear stare back like daggers digging into my retina. i close my eyes in pain as the blood of truth drips from my ducts. my world is stained with the blood of truth, the truth which was once aloof is now all i can see. it drips from my thoughts and stains my beliefs. i no longer know what is me?

is this universe i see really part of me? am i part of that ethereal whole? is my world just as important to the revolution of love? does the sun wait for me? will it burn the walls of my cage if i get close enough? will love save me if i let it?

i walk towards the door of my once comforting cage. i bang on it, i scream, i kick, i cry. i dont know why. why. why do i cry. why does it hurt… what is pain in a world of love? i fall to my knees as i bang and i plead. then and only then can i finally see, that the universe is me. and i’ve been banging from the inside. i am free.

sea-mmetry

i close my eyes

in a loving embrace

bow my head

put my hands to your face

i can feel your heartbeat

see its syncopated rhythym

creating portals

bending with mine

no longer mere mortals

an ocean in time

with your motion i align

floating in your sea

sky is all i can see

the waves crash on my body

your soul waves in mine

tsunami

weaving in and out of your rhythym

becoming paralyzed with submission

the lightness of my body

feels heavy floating in this lobby

the waves hit like bricks

the surface is making me sick

no boat, no oar

i long for the core, inhale and turn my back on the shore

yes, im unsure but i cant stand the surface anymore

i dive to the deep

swim through the bright corals in your reef

the creatures of the deep…blue..sea

they look at me

perplexed

unsure of what i’ll do next

i swim past sunken ships, unmarked boxes

shards of glass, resurrected creatures of the past

until, alas!

feet hit bottom

beneath them an x

i sweep the sand and find the misunderstood vex

a barnacled box covered in rusty locks

tangled in the weeds

from here i hear the beats

the box seems to breather

my lungs compress

as i open the box

and exhale my only breath

the rhythym of my exhale

intertwines the draining of the ocean

an uproarious cacophony of the sea

married to all you have ever

and will ever bleed

i delight in the sight

and dance to the liberation

freedom from castration

in exchange for the ocean

the box has gifted me you

in your purest, full of emotion

Soy…soi.

I AM.

“I AM” is a powerful affirmation. It reminds us that we exist, that we are alive, that we do not need to wait for anyone or anything to be, because we already are. It’s powerful when you feel invisible, trapped by the dogma of society and being a human the way you were told humans need to be.

What does it mean to be a human? What does it mean to be yourself?

How do you figure out who you are? What is the purpose of life?

Existential questions have plagued the matter of my mind for as long as i remember. I am a seeker. A seeker of truth, of freedom, of human connection. I seek the things of life that electrify the soul. The outlets of the mind.