Day 4 ~ anger, suffering, sadness, fear. these are things that unconsciously, we all tend to hold near. we dwell on thoughts that make these things rise, we stand in our pride and don’t abide by the rules of time. that we must let it go by. we can not remain stuck in the same box, we must allow it to flow and just let it all go. look away from the pain, allow it to leave your brain. you don’t need it to stay, not even fo one more day. there is fluidity in this life, don’t resist it just to gain strife. to justify your rampage, will only cause more damage. dearly beloved we are gathered here today, to say all the things you never got a chance to say. to speak your peace and claim your piece of heaven for ur words can give birth to heaven on earth. forgiveness births peace and hatred starves those who need to eat. every action trickles and breaths into every other action, of every other person you meet. we are entertwined you see, like the root system of a tree we communicate even when we have nothing to say. infinitily intelligent energy flows between you and me. comprises the us, the satrdust, the lust and the fuss. cosmic consciousness, erases all nonsense-ness. surrender to creator, letting go is sour now but you’ll thank me later
Today I began yet another day of living off of my 24 borrowed hours. What am I to do? Where am I to go? How will I make use of my day? Will I move fast or keep it slow? Sometimes I get caught up in the rhymes, caught up in the rhythm. That I lose the sense. That happens a lot during my 24 hours. I woke up around 5 a.m. today, meditated and prayed for someone I love dearly and fell back to sleep. I woke up at 7:35 and had to be at the mechanic at 8, so I rushed through my toothbrushing and face washing. Didn’t pay any mind to the morning routine I have been so “diligently” trying to implement. There’s another thing I do too, I’m very hard on myself. As a result, I’m very hard on others as well. I don’t know if whoever is reading this has ever been personally victimized by my harshness but if you have, forgive me. I am learning.. I would say I am a student of life but I wouldn’t say that life has been my primary teacher. I am a student of the cosmos, when I can’t find an answer in the endless, restlessness of this life- i look to the cosmos. Sometimes I stare at the sky, sometimes I close my eyes and stare at my insides. Silently waiting for the cosmos to reveal the secrets of the universe to me so this life can become less drab. So far, I’ve learned a lot, I must say. I am 26 years old as of two months ago and my 16 year old self would have said I was old. I have had a strange relationship with time lately. I have begun to see myself as missing out on life instead of ripe and in the middle of life. It has been quite strange, considering.
I have so much anger inside. Why am I so angry? So tired? So depressed, anxious and cynical? I’ve always felt that there were two people inside of me. This isn’t just me, apparently theres entire debates and theories and whatever else on this. There is apparently a native saying that there are two wolves that live within us (light and dark), and whichever we feed, wins. I heard someone comment on this and say why should they be fighting over food, feed them equally and create internal balance. This I really loved because I love the idea that we don’t have to hide from our dark and starve it, because like the light it is part of us. But we don’t want to feed one more than the other because going too far off to either side may trap us in a wave of illusion, almost an ignorance to the imbalance happening within us. But then I think- well what about monks? They are human like us and they’ve achieved something far deeper than illusion by completely surrendering to the light. BUT this could not have been done without first acknowledging and accepting the dark. Once something is consciously acknowledged then you can move onto focusing what you actually want to grow. I don’t know today has been weird. I’ve done nothing all day. I don’t like it. I don’t know if i like me. Will update later.
8:46 pm ~ sometimes i get so lucid i want to die. truly. i think we should normalize the thought of death. i think it’s very normal to think of dying, of escaping. i really do. i think of it all the time. but thoughts are just thoughts. at some point we must realize that life comes from us. we put up walls where there are free pathways, for why? why do we tear down vast jungles of life and create concrete jungles to enslave ourselves? i was so very, painfully aware of this today. i spent over 7 hours being paralyzed by my thoughts and completely overwhelmed, i didn’t do anything. i didn’t make the tapestry for my dear friend, didn’t clean my car, nothing. at one point i had to leave the place i’m staying and start driving. wasn’t long before i pulled over to the side of the road to cry. and yell at myself. i’m pretty hard on myself, kind of a hard ass bitch truly. but ima boss ass bitch so i think that’s where it comes from. i truly just hate when i just fuck off and let external things ruin me and then blame everything. i hate being the victim. in a society where people rush to the stands for the victim olympics. i’m trying so desperately to break free. autonomy, sovereignty. these are the things i crave. to be in complete control by releasing all possible control. this is very hard. very possible. and i will achieve it. i will gain control of my thoughts and emotions. i will not allow others to control me, my emotions or my life. I AM NOT A VICTIM! I AM FREE WILL! AND I DO NOT CHOOSE SUFFERING. after i cried in my car and had a very ~serious~ talk with myself. i went to my storage unit and began the process of cleaning it and my van so i can re-begin my journey. i am proud of myself. i had a very hard day mentally but i still did that shit. i still showed up, even for a little. and THAT my beautiful internet friends, is where freedom lies.
xoxoxoxo, lady soi
i like to stare out windows, at ceilings, walls, people. the mindlessness of it. the longing of it. of watching something happen outside of you, almost opens a portal to the infinite longing that lives within. i find myself wanting so many things, craving so many things, longing.
there’s a tree outside of this window, a big apartment building. all of the apartment windows have three rectangles up and down and double panes. i can’t see through, just some pieces of furniture in some windows. most are empty, waiting for people with their hammers and nails to come in and make it into something. the tree is just there, sometimes the leaves sway, sometimes not. the cars pass by and the people skate, bike, walk. most don’t even notice i’m watching them. the gate opens and closes and i can’t see anyone coming in or out, i just assume they are because the gate is opening, and closing.
but it’s quite possible that there’s no one coming in or out. that it’s simply opening or closing because it’s a malfunction, or an illusion- the way the light hits the gate. i also don’t know where any of the people are going, or where they came from or if they’re even human. i’m sure most of you have noticed the rise of the robot. modern day transformers. except they stay robots and forget their human origins. i can hear them in the background as i watch the tree deciding to sway, or not.
they sound like clones, obsessively speaking about falsities taken to be realities. synthetic. i can hear the malfunctions in their voice, the periods of silence where they don’t know what else to choke up. constant chatter, constant noise fills the looking glass. as it’s reflections divert away from the image it so poignantly places on display.
but on the other side of the glass… it’s quiet, slow, contemplative. nuanced, generalized. mindless. shapeless. all left to interpretation. to illusion. to imagination.
i want to live inside the glass. cross the threshold to the other side. live amongst the nuance, fully embrace the mindlessness. sway with the trees, contemplate coming and going with the cars and the bikes. walk in the peace. i don’t want to be on this side anymore with it’s loudness and empty chatter. i want to be on the other side.
Fire is healing. The earth provides us with all that we need to heal, her elements are our elements. we are one. fire burns, disintegrates. leaves nothing but ashes in its path. set aflame all the things that live within you that you no longer want in your home. remember, you can not set another’s house on fire. you cannot control what goes on outside of your home. you can not control the flames that rage outside, only those that rage within. focus. control. release.
allow yourself to use this as inspiration to sit in silence with a candle, or by a fire. focus on the flames, feel the heat. set your intention, then watch it burn.
fire has been used as a method to cleanse the air and as a method of worship for…well, probably for as long as the earth has been the earth. “WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE!” 🎶 it was one of the first tools that we discovered as a species, it is what allows us to cook our food, to feel heat, to drive cars to experience electricity. fire is electric. it can be devastating, like the fires that rage in california or the MAN MADE fires that burn down our forests.
regardless, fire is one of the most powerful elements and tools that we have on this earth. candles are one of my favorite things in the world. because through the fire we can experience aromatherapy and connect deeper to self. i invite you all to find a little fire in your life, be it literal or figurative. allow the fire to light your passions, burn away all things no longer meant for you. allow the fire to burn the paths that you should not take and leave a trail of ashes leading you towards home. i love you.
TITLE: the butterfly effect
*screen pans to kim kardashians house*
“mommy im hungry”
“go in the fridge and grab something to eat sweetie”
“which fridge has the snacks?”
“the third one baby”
*screen pans to working class household”
“mommy im hungry”
“ask your brother for some of his food, i have to go to work and theres some cereal in the pantry”
*screen pans to household below poverty line*
“mommy im hungry”
“i know baby i know, tomorrow morning you’ll be able to eat a good breakfast at school”
house A has 50 shoes per person
house B has 10 shoes per person
house C doesn’t have a house or shoes
it’s said that something like three men own the same amount of money, of wealth
as the bottom 50% of the american population
thats 3 people
have as much money combined
as 50% of an entire population
we’ll keep this simple and not dive in to the further division of this money in terms of race
although im sure you can all guess how that will go
now long story short
the gap between the rich and the poor grew wider and wider as the rich gained more and more
the clouds hang above my head
i can hear the low rumble of the planes in my ears
echo the rumbles of so many stomachs around me
a thought which to my eyes, brings tears
the inequality we see today is a mirror of what our ancestors saw in yesterdays
however thats not to say that its okay
that we should just accept it as something that has always been
because when you look with eyes of truth
you can see through this sin
we must allow ourselves to see what is for what it is
so we can begin to do the work of fixing how it exists
now this is not to demonize those who have worked hard for their money
surely they deserve to live lavish, and laugh when its not funny
when they kick back their feet and relax
somewhere in some part of the world there’s a starving person wandering through the traintracks
families split bread and never miss a day at school so they can be fed
there’s just something wrong when we get paid billions for writing a song
then hoard all that cash, snort it basically throw it in the trash
there should be some sort of ethic limit no?
so we can prevent the sizes to which these gaps grow?
teachers barely scrape the surface but shape the world
through shaping the development of every boy and girl
people upset about the gradual raise of minimum wage
be careful of who you defend and who you blame
do you really think someone can survive off of 7.25
its okay to lend your brother a helping hand
its okay to let love take a stand
dont forget that the common enemy is the man not your fellow human trying to make ends meet with a family of four and nothing to eat
around the world americans are known as wasteful, distasteful
we consume and consume like there’s no end to to the room, like there is no impending doom
the wealth gap is a product of inequality
income inequality, racial inequality, opportunity inequality, educational inequality
how can we re-distribute the wealth?
re-program your mind
remove the indoctrination
re-distribute the education
each one teach one, together lets rebuild our nation
to change the whole we must change the half to change the half we must change each piece
so lets hold ourselves accountable, at least
next time you go to mcdonalds and buy a number three, add a extra large fry and give it to the homeless dude outside make sure you look em in the eye and smile at em real big let em know your on his side
we all just want to know we’re not alone, that we belong that this place is our home
next time you go to the dollar store buy a pack of snacks, deodorant and socks galore keep them in your car and instead of mean mugging the “beggar” at the light roll down your window and give him a bite, if we all do this i promise it’ll go real far
yes its gonna be hard to shift the state of our world
but we must start now, together
rememeber that on earth there are billions of worlds, one within each of us and if we re-shape our world we can re-shape the world
history is now and we write the book
take back your pen and around you, take a look
every action in the ocean of life, ripples into eternity
so make sure you’re nice
and create what you wanna see
reading helps me find my voice. just as “ello poppet” helps me speak a british accent. and “pulling a string” on my body helps me to create a character in improv. for every creation there is a model. if this is true then who created the first model? did the originators of all creations model their creations after anything other than the visions in their heads?
reading helps me find my voice. picks me up and places me into a world where there are only words, there is only literature. all else is white noise to the soundtrack of the writer. i read and words flow to me like i am the shore and the words are the ocean. endlessly crashing into me, seemingly retreating but always coming back to caress my feet. words are truly magical, they create nations and burn them down. they light the fires of love and give meaning to the days and nights. what would the world be without words? what would we use to express, how would we communicate? what other universal form of interaction would we create? would all be music? art? and without a universal model, would there be endless originality? endless creation? or is all creativity recycled at some point in time?
it seems an absolute truth to me that without eachother we can not create. however it also seems to me a truth that with eachother we can not create. something of a yin and yang this thought. that in order to create there must be a certain cyclical element specific to the art of creation and a certain linear element specific to the creator.
my mind spins with ideas. i am rich in ideas yet so so poor in creation. ideas are only ideas if they are not put to action. i could drown in a sea of ideas before i ever build a raft. however when i allow myself to look around the sea, maybe dive below and explore the carcasses of the past. i am overcome with ideas, with inspiration. i could build a million rafts from simply seeing that one raft was built one million years ago. there is something comforting in the knowledge that one of the mystery humans of the past has had similar ideas and of them created a raft with which to float amongst them.
all this to say, when we save ourselves, we save others. when we allow ourselves to create, to be; when we have the courage to create a model, a blueprint of a raft in which to float the sea of life. we create a portal into the minds of others, which they can tap into for centuries to come.
this is the cyclical nature of creation.
i love u
TITLE: ONE DAY
an ocean so vast, an enigma so sweet
a field of possibility
of endless interpretation
and infinite defeat
have always puzzled me
maybe its because im an only child
maybe its because ive never had one worth while
whatever it is i hope it goes away soon
because i think of genuine human connection and swoon
i love people, i do
but i dont know if people love me too
theres so many relationships to be had
platonic, intimate, good, bad
professional and … the ones that are just plain sad
most relationships seem to mirror the internal aspects of us
“show me your friends, and ill show you who you are”
the human psyche seems to be
the core of the information we see
its interesting because
all that we see is created by us
so maybe thats why my relationships may have always sucked
because of how i saw myself
and the aspects that away i tucked
i long for a place to lay my head
where i can rest
and be as weird as i want, no judgment
no comments about the shit that i said
people who just accept
me, for me.
the purest relationship that could ever be
is the one that recognizes all this for what it is
and sees all beings through that lens
as a reflection of all that exists
confronts others with grace and love
people can only know you as deeply as they’ve known themselves
and most people have only ever known hell
hope grows inside my soul
that as time goes on, more of ourselves we’ll know
and deeper into eachother we’ll come
as we release the judgment
allow all to become
relationships are a mirror
in which to see clearer
the problem is
when we don’t want to see what is
so we smash the mirror
forgetting that the reflection
although in another
and when they suffer
and we break human trust
i think honesty is the key
to connecting with someone
i haven’t been too great at it
i must admit
but i am working to get better
one day ill be able to hold your hand
woman or man
one day ill be able to hold your gaze
for days and days
one day ill let you hold me
one day ill tell you all my stories
in the world
there will be true unity
I keep “The Measure of a Man” by Dr. Martin Luther King JR. on my desk. I just picked it up and opened to a page that revealed to me the true poetic nature of Dr. King.
Dr. King was a man of a deep rooted faith. A strong argument could be created that he believed in the unseen more than anyone else of his time. For it was because of his blind faith and infinite vision that he was able to lead us to the mountaintop. He had seen the promised land, whether it be in a vision or in his dreams. He had seen something which no one else had seen, and he believed in it wholeheartedly. He fought for this vision so graciously and so righteously that he convinced an entire nation of people to walk behind him. Many of which, including me, still do; years after his passing.
I share this today to redirect us to the connectivity and oneness of all things. The computer i’m typing on originated in the mind of a fellow human. But i will never see the courage with which he built it, the determination he had when creating it. All i see is the product of this. I see the final vision. The same is true for traffic lights, pens, television, art, music, etc. The same is true for all that we see in this current moment. All that we see is made possible due to all we can not and will never see.
It is very important to pay attention to every moment. For we do not know which moments are the invisible ones that will give birth to the visions of eternity, we do not know which thoughts, moments, ideas are the mothers of the future. We must nurture ourselves and love ourselves. Follow our deepest passions with the purest form of love and diligence fathomable. We are blind at the feet of feeling, of experience. So why then is it so difficult for us to trust, to believe in the things we can not see. We do this all the time subconsciously. We accept so many shadows of the invisible as true, as facts. So what is it that blocks us from extending this same trust to our conscious daily life?
All has come from another, an invisible source. Even we. So, I pose these follow-up questions for reflection: If we can see the product of the source, isn’t that testament that the source exists? For without a source, there is no existence?
For all creations there must be a creator.
thank u for reading my beloved humans on the other end of the internet void. i love u.
everything leads back to self-acceptance.
everything leads back to understanding, to forgiveness. we must allow ourselves to think, to express, to have opinions. to alter our opinions to grow and flow with life. stop caring so much about what others think. stop allowing your thoughts to dictate your life and your feelings. be in control while relinquishing control. allow the quantum principle to lead you. accept life for what it is, accept your role in life for what it is. be grateful for it and don’t try to own more than is given to you. be gracious in accepting the things you can’t change, the things you can’t control. and be responsible in getting into the drivers seat of the things you can. shift your focus to grace. and allow the divine grace to flow through you and move you. all is love