24 borrowed hours: on love

on love.

what is love? how does it make you feel? do you let it crawl into your heart? how do you know it’s real? let it tear you apart.. make you really feel passion? distraction? can you imagine .. a lifetime. me and you = a pipeline. havin someone there, with you,, makes the world seem a little more fair, its true… – the rose and the thorn for love, theres no pain i wouldnt endure. but before i jump i have to be sure itll be there to catch me and not a mirage arisen from the drought ive been liven, words of affirmation, but i really just wanna hear your lips utter phonation- say anything, i just like it when you speak to me like two bodies of water, you and i flow in and out of eachother, no one runs -nobody takes cover. i let you hit me full force, tranmsute the energy send it back to the source, you take all of me and i come back for more a cosmic web of creation, every breath a new animation– what if i manifested you, gave birth to you- through my mind, now here you are before my very eyes. what do i say to that, keep my head down and walk away to that see we think we want what we want, but when it shows up we all sit down. rather admire it from afar than risk being the flame that burns it all down……..maybe its masochistic but everytime i see a chance i close my eyes and kiss it … mixed with i know i can bounce back from anything and i just like experimenting… i fall in love between the lines on my empty pages everyday as i romanticize the pain and it slowly fades away but none of my crushes ever make it outside my brain – maybe thats why me ego still remains, lacking the demoliton only surrender can bring, so nowadays i throw my body on the grass more and let my soul sing

i dont think we dive deeep enough these days, maybe thats why we cant find something that stays. you know how long things stay in the depths for? thousand years old ships sit at the bottom of the sea, waiting for you and me- to discover them, swim down and get up under them. are you down to rock with the beat of the sea? let your hips sway to the rhythym of me? spin you around, goin up, goin down

i don’t think people go deep enough these days, tryna go deeper makes em all pull away. even me! shit what can i say, guess i can’t take what i give. i got trouble receiving but i always deliver. i hope you can be patient and let me cook you some dinner. i’m sorry for my indifference but this world to me spins different i’m not sure how to speak without tryna preach. put me on a podium my words’ll cause a pandemonium – magical potions and spells we birth as we pass through hell, mind control is the rock that blocks the flow. i try to put my phone down but it picks me back up, i wanna turn the page now- look back as they stack up, everyday is a new day i can try new things nomatter who say- wrap me in your arms and let the beat sway

#24borrowedhours – we create when there’s pain, we create when there’s love

These past few weeks as i have begun this project and a few others, I have begun to feel overwhelmed with joy, angst, sadness and a few other things. I have begun to bring life and consciousness to that feeling inside that feels the most authentic to me. I have begun to given myself the permission to truly be free. I do not believe we are truly free until we have publicly pursued our passions without a care in the world. Publicly pursuing the things you love is the strongest form of self care to exist. Releasing the views and opinions of others liberates you in a way that nothing else can. Until you have done this, you are likely to be living from a looking glass. Watching others who live in the way you would like to, yet obediently staying in your box of expectations. Expectations that are usually placed on us by others. You must decide that you don’t care what others think of you and i dont believe that this can be done lightly. I believe that this must be a complete redirection of vision, a commitment to see yourself from the inside out, not the other way around.

when we feel any type of emotion, we create something. If we feel angry we can possibly create chaos, if we feel sad we may create gloom. We can also create art. Turn our emotions into larger than life abstractions, in an ode to mirror our true selves: larger than life.

24 borrowed hours : the void

the look of desire, fulfillment. the look in a child’s eyes when their food comes to the table. the look in a lovers eyes when you ask for advice. the look of longing, the look of despair. the way the child looks when their food falls to the ground. the way i look at an empty space when i wish you were there. desire longing lust wanting – temporary houses in which we can hide, from the conscious one who’s always asking us why. we hide behind big things, fun things, drunk things, things that allow us to pretend that the despair is no longer there.

seemingly potent desires that are fulfilled for too long will pave a clear way to show you what is really wrong. what happens after the angry child eats? after the lovers are together day after day? after i realize that you won’t come back to stay? life sets in and we have to deal with the day after day. i mean, a child obviously has less in his way than the lovers who argue and the lonesome girl with no one who’ll stay. however, we all eventually have to deal with the object of our desires. and most of the time, we’ll realize that it isn’t at all rooted in the wants that desires inspire.

i’m not sure if it’s there when we’re children, what do you think? i think it might be. especially if as a child we find ourselves in situations that are less than ideal, from this point on~ the void begins to grow. satisfied with yummy foods, new toys, funny shows – all temporary joys. the void continues to grow and by the time of the lovers, it’s taken control. have you ever stood in front of the void? rumor has it, it sucks up everything it sees. surrendering it to the darkness, leaving no trace for others to see.

what’s the void? it appears to be introduced with consciousness… as soon as we’re able to discern – we start to question things, start to try and figure things out. why is green green mommy? what does that do? and as we get older, the questions become longer and more persistent. more philosophical, bigger, gaping. When the questions leave unanswered, they leave behind the hopelessness of an unanswered question. The emptiness you feel when you ask a question in search of meaning, while on a quest to find the meaning of life, the meaning of purpose. That emptiness grows and personifies, some of us begin to identify as the void- as a black hole that sucks everything up and leaves no survivors. Start to feel like the void has already sucked us up and we’re floating lifelessly within it, no way out. I lived in my own void for a long time. The void is different for everyone, but what i’ve come to learn is that a void is not a blackhole, they are different things. when you stand in front of the void, question it, make yourself define it- it dies. because it’s not real. it doesn’t suck all that is around it up leaving no survivors. it’s not that serious. fear would have you think so, but it isn’t.

the only way out is in. if the feelings i have described feel familiar. then it’s time for you to stand in front of the void. confront it. ask it what it is? why do you feel this void? how long have you felt it? what makes it feel smaller? larger? at some point you’ll realized that it’s not real, the world is actually amazing. you created the void and threw yourself inside then told yourself it was all that is and would ever will be. do you really believe that?

xoxoo lady soi

24 borrowed hours : day 3 : a lesson

we have 24 hours in this beautiful day that we have been given. 24 hours to do anything that we want. what will we do? where will we go? is there something in your life today that you don’t want to do? how can you change that? we must remember that we are not victims of this life, life is not happening at us, it is happening from us. we are creating everything that we see in our world and in our lives. everything begins within the mind, we must be very conscious of the paradigms that we allow to bind our grey matter together. these paradigms will be the foundation for everything that we create in this world, thought included. when and where are you holding yourself back?

yesterday i spent the entire day with my dad. he needed me to go to a doctor’s appointment with him. so i did. we got back around 5 and my entire day was gone, i was feeling a bit frustrated. because i hadn’t had the chance to do my morning routine or accomplish any of the things that i wanted to because i had to go with him. he told me about an hour before i had to leave and so i wasn’t really able to do what i needed to do. then when we got back i tried to start doing something for myself and went to my storage unit to continue the process of organizing my things between my van and my storage unit. then he calls me that he went to the hospital because he was feeling tightness in his chest. this has been going on since september when i came back from my journey. i came back because my mom hurt her arm and needed assistance with activities of daily living. so i drove back from north carolina after only a month of living my dream of living in my van and traveling. since then, i’ve been with my dad because he ended up having health and spiritual complications as well. he has been dealing with seemingly endless episodes of anxiety and PTSD. it is hard for me because it sometimes feels like he is allowing himself to become a victim of these things that are happening within his body. i don’t want anyone to be a victim, because we aren’t. things happen to us and then we must get up and learn to move forward.

this becomes a philosophical debate once we get deeper into this and begin to discuss things such as abuse, assault, etc. although these things become increasingly harder to deal with when they happen to us – and through the lens of our minds they are horrible things. through the lens of the cosmos, these are things that happen as a result of something else. abuse happens all the time and in no way is it okay. however, it is not the abuse-ees fault, the responsibility lie on the abuse-er. he/she MUST take responsibility for their actions and how they have negatively affected this other person. they will spend lifetimes doing this, until they learn how to coexist with the rest of the universe in peace. however, due to the law of cause and effect- the abuse-er has now given the abuse-ee a gift that they did not want; something to work through- “trauma”. it now becomes the responsibility of the abuse-ee to work through and deal with the thing that has happened to them. no matter how horrible the event is judged to be, this is still true. the abuse-ee can not force the abuse-er to become conscious, to repent, etc. nor can they go back in time. so now, as the laws of the universe state- we must learn to move forward. we must deal with the cards we have been dealt and continue to move forward with our lives, consciously creating the life that we have always dreamed of.

the concept of victimization is a tough one because it can make some people feel like you are diminishing what they are going through. which is in NO way true!!! the things we undergo in this life are HARD!! 100%!!! HOWEVER- this does NOT mean that you are not strong enough to overcome ANYTHING and still live a prosperous, happy and love filled life. this simply means that you have to shift your thinking and take responsibility for your life and what has happened and is happening in it every single day. no one else can make your life better or worse, EVERYTHING comes from you!! every. single. thing. if you feel your life isn’t where you want it to be, it’s not because of Velma, it’s because of you. don’t let Velma have control of your life! like who the fuck is Velma????

my beautiful internet friends, we are powerful beyond measure. and while there are some fucked up things that happen in this world and that we have to learn to move on from- YOU CAN DO IT. you would not be on this earth if you couldn’t. this is what my last #24borrowedhours have taught me. we must embody this principle and teach it to others, because while it is daunting- it is also empowering as fuck to know that you are not a victim of this life, but the creator of it. YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR FATE, YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN OF YOUR SOUL. I LOVE U!!

lady soi

living off 24 borrowed hours : a series

DAY 2~ so this project is truly meant to inspire me more than anything, inspire me to become conscious of what i do during my 24 hours. and always to remind me that they are borrowed. i am here exchanging something with this life, with our creator, with my soul~who knows. but i know that i am getting something so beautiful in return. i am getting the gift of the human experience. and sometimes this makes me anxious. because i want what i give back to be as impactful and amazing as what life gives me everyday. there’s so much for me to overcome to get there. but is there? is there reaaaally? because more and more i’m thinking that maybe life just wants me to do something, anything. to make choices, to be alive. maybe i don’t have to become this larger than life person in society. maybe what matters is how i live my individual life. that i follow my heart, lead with faith, and am honest person, etc. i know this is true. i hear it in the simplicity of the everyday rhythms of life. rhythms that are seemingly complex, but innately simple. they flow with the rhythm of life and something tells me that there is no effort there. the wind just blows, squirrels eat acorns and birds fly. so what do i do? that’s what i need to figure out. i don’t think i need to set out to become the most impactful person this planet has ever experienced, because well, that’s a lot. very overwhelming. i believe self-knowledge to be my gift to life. in return for all she gives me. i will get to know the whispers of my soul and move in this life with integrity, as someone who knows themselves. as someone who listens to their soul and works everyday to be more herself. that’s what i want to give to life and that’s what i want to give to the world. i want to go into the darkest corners of myself and turn on the lights. so that the whole world may see this, and together we can light the world up. operation atomiK light.

lady soi

Living off of 24 borrowed hours ~ Day 1: A series

Today I began yet another day of living off of my 24 borrowed hours. What am I to do? Where am I to go? How will I make use of my day? Will I move fast or keep it slow? Sometimes I get caught up in the rhymes, caught up in the rhythm. That I lose the sense. That happens a lot during my 24 hours. I woke up around 5 a.m. today, meditated and prayed for someone I love dearly and fell back to sleep. I woke up at 7:35 and had to be at the mechanic at 8, so I rushed through my toothbrushing and face washing. Didn’t pay any mind to the morning routine I have been so “diligently” trying to implement. There’s another thing I do too, I’m very hard on myself. As a result, I’m very hard on others as well. I don’t know if whoever is reading this has ever been personally victimized by my harshness but if you have, forgive me. I am learning.. I would say I am a student of life but I wouldn’t say that life has been my primary teacher. I am a student of the cosmos, when I can’t find an answer in the endless, restlessness of this life- i look to the cosmos. Sometimes I stare at the sky, sometimes I close my eyes and stare at my insides. Silently waiting for the cosmos to reveal the secrets of the universe to me so this life can become less drab. So far, I’ve learned a lot, I must say. I am 26 years old as of two months ago and my 16 year old self would have said I was old. I have had a strange relationship with time lately. I have begun to see myself as missing out on life instead of ripe and in the middle of life. It has been quite strange, considering.

I have so much anger inside. Why am I so angry? So tired? So depressed, anxious and cynical? I’ve always felt that there were two people inside of me. This isn’t just me, apparently theres entire debates and theories and whatever else on this. There is apparently a native saying that there are two wolves that live within us (light and dark), and whichever we feed, wins. I heard someone comment on this and say why should they be fighting over food, feed them equally and create internal balance. This I really loved because I love the idea that we don’t have to hide from our dark and starve it, because like the light it is part of us. But we don’t want to feed one more than the other because going too far off to either side may trap us in a wave of illusion, almost an ignorance to the imbalance happening within us. But then I think- well what about monks? They are human like us and they’ve achieved something far deeper than illusion by completely surrendering to the light. BUT this could not have been done without first acknowledging and accepting the dark. Once something is consciously acknowledged then you can move onto focusing what you actually want to grow. I don’t know today has been weird. I’ve done nothing all day. I don’t like it. I don’t know if i like me. Will update later.

8:46 pm ~ sometimes i get so lucid i want to die. truly. i think we should normalize the thought of death. i think it’s very normal to think of dying, of escaping. i really do. i think of it all the time. but thoughts are just thoughts. at some point we must realize that life comes from us. we put up walls where there are free pathways, for why? why do we tear down vast jungles of life and create concrete jungles to enslave ourselves? i was so very, painfully aware of this today. i spent over 7 hours being paralyzed by my thoughts and completely overwhelmed, i didn’t do anything. i didn’t make the tapestry for my dear friend, didn’t clean my car, nothing. at one point i had to leave the place i’m staying and start driving. wasn’t long before i pulled over to the side of the road to cry. and yell at myself. i’m pretty hard on myself, kind of a hard ass bitch truly. but ima boss ass bitch so i think that’s where it comes from. i truly just hate when i just fuck off and let external things ruin me and then blame everything. i hate being the victim. in a society where people rush to the stands for the victim olympics. i’m trying so desperately to break free. autonomy, sovereignty. these are the things i crave. to be in complete control by releasing all possible control. this is very hard. very possible. and i will achieve it. i will gain control of my thoughts and emotions. i will not allow others to control me, my emotions or my life. I AM NOT A VICTIM! I AM FREE WILL! AND I DO NOT CHOOSE SUFFERING. after i cried in my car and had a very ~serious~ talk with myself. i went to my storage unit and began the process of cleaning it and my van so i can re-begin my journey. i am proud of myself. i had a very hard day mentally but i still did that shit. i still showed up, even for a little. and THAT my beautiful internet friends, is where freedom lies.

xoxoxoxo, lady soi

reflections from the wrong side of the glass

i like to stare out windows, at ceilings, walls, people. the mindlessness of it. the longing of it. of watching something happen outside of you, almost opens a portal to the infinite longing that lives within. i find myself wanting so many things, craving so many things, longing.

there’s a tree outside of this window, a big apartment building. all of the apartment windows have three rectangles up and down and double panes. i can’t see through, just some pieces of furniture in some windows. most are empty, waiting for people with their hammers and nails to come in and make it into something. the tree is just there, sometimes the leaves sway, sometimes not. the cars pass by and the people skate, bike, walk. most don’t even notice i’m watching them. the gate opens and closes and i can’t see anyone coming in or out, i just assume they are because the gate is opening, and closing.

but it’s quite possible that there’s no one coming in or out. that it’s simply opening or closing because it’s a malfunction, or an illusion- the way the light hits the gate. i also don’t know where any of the people are going, or where they came from or if they’re even human. i’m sure most of you have noticed the rise of the robot. modern day transformers. except they stay robots and forget their human origins. i can hear them in the background as i watch the tree deciding to sway, or not.

they sound like clones, obsessively speaking about falsities taken to be realities. synthetic. i can hear the malfunctions in their voice, the periods of silence where they don’t know what else to choke up. constant chatter, constant noise fills the looking glass. as it’s reflections divert away from the image it so poignantly places on display.

but on the other side of the glass… it’s quiet, slow, contemplative. nuanced, generalized. mindless. shapeless. all left to interpretation. to illusion. to imagination.

i want to live inside the glass. cross the threshold to the other side. live amongst the nuance, fully embrace the mindlessness. sway with the trees, contemplate coming and going with the cars and the bikes. walk in the peace. i don’t want to be on this side anymore with it’s loudness and empty chatter. i want to be on the other side.

alpha female unapologetic

#POEMBER #30DAYPOETRYCHALLENGE PROMPT: TRAUMA/FEAR

the girl was quiet, but profound

didn’t hang around the lost and found; lost but afraid to be found

wandered the world in her mind without ever leaving inside

fears included everything

eyes to the ground

no point in chasing

dreams, for her destiny was written

stared in too many broken mirrors

left the poison apple half bitten

wanted to die but afraid of death

the girl was funny, a light amongst friends

but trapped in a mind which she could not comprehend

outcast syndrome, fell in love with the silence

call it stockholm

a life alone, with no one to play with, no one to phone

a lifetime in isolation, in contemplation

led to many questions, to the acceptance

that many will go unanswered

if insecurity is a kingdom she was the queen

forehead felt like a thousand coals

when she felt seen

born with a want to hide, with no one to seek

she couldn’t understand why

games of who do you want to be?

where she wouldn’t dare utter “me”

why would she want to be herself?

her life was “hell”, her reflection fanned the flames, felt depression before it even had a name

perpetual sorrow, perpetually lonely

only trusted words cause they’re holy

attempted suicide only to find out she didn’t wanna die

traveled across the globe and found a home

maybe she did belong, her thoughts echoed

her soul bellowed

restless heart crooked smile

the quiet girl began to grow up

her heart was shattered

and as she picked up the pieces

she glimpsed into her life

the pieces a mirror, reflecting back the strife

she saw

her back slumped

weighed down by her eternal internal frown

she saw

her forgotten dreams

for this there was no sound

she saw

pieces of what could be

hidden behind the shatters, somehow still untattered

she was engulfed by an energy

that picked her up and sung her to sleep

she awoke

fearless

looked back at the pieces

“fuck you i dont need this”

she screamed

she was loud

making up for the times she was silenced

disavowed

picked up her chin, brushed off the frown

replaced it with a grin

she didn’t want to behave and bow her head

she wanted to be free and dance instead

at a young age took a vow to self to never fit the mold

wasn’t even sure who she told

what this meant

but that day as over the shatters she was bent

the fire crackled and lit

it wasnt too late

for herself to save

brainwashed at a young age

to believe some other equally lost soul was she to behold

as her king, her heaven and hell

he who knew what, for her, was well

explained many of her patterns, her projected trauma

so she vowed to fix what was broken

to re-wire the wires so she could swallow the truth and stop chokin

she stopped waiting for ghosts

for she grew tired of being haunted

hunted by the demons

that projected all the things she was scared to believe in

alpha female

unapologetic

in this story

she saves her self

don’t need a sequel

this life is prophetic

the girl evolved from omniscient third person

to first person

i

am no longer afraid to fly

i no longer want to die

but i accept the truth

and i am not aloof

i am emotion

sensitivty

vulnerability

these are my weapons in this society

so i scream from this page

don’t do what you’re told

unless it’s to reclaim

your narrative, your life, yourself

be free, for you create the heaven and hell

this is my truth

and i dont wanna be aloof

#poember ~ 30 day poetry challenge ~ day 10

TITLE: RESTLESS HEART, CROOKED SMILE

A heart of glass

a river of stone

gentle things

pretty things

of which destruction is not condoned

restless heart, crooked smile

tear it apart

make it worth while

what good is a heart

if it does not shatter

from overuse

whats the point of livin recluse

i say give it your all

and just let loose

dont allow fear to choose

i wanna be where the humans are

i wanna feel them dancin

swingin their hips to the beat of the world

lying on their backs

eyes rolled back

toes curled

life is so beautiful you know?

good and bad must exist

it’s about the balance

that must persist

for far too long

“bad” has tipped the scale

how bout we

let love in

and send the hate straight to hell