24 borrowed hours : day 3 : a lesson

we have 24 hours in this beautiful day that we have been given. 24 hours to do anything that we want. what will we do? where will we go? is there something in your life today that you don’t want to do? how can you change that? we must remember that we are not victims of this life, life is not happening at us, it is happening from us. we are creating everything that we see in our world and in our lives. everything begins within the mind, we must be very conscious of the paradigms that we allow to bind our grey matter together. these paradigms will be the foundation for everything that we create in this world, thought included. when and where are you holding yourself back?

yesterday i spent the entire day with my dad. he needed me to go to a doctor’s appointment with him. so i did. we got back around 5 and my entire day was gone, i was feeling a bit frustrated. because i hadn’t had the chance to do my morning routine or accomplish any of the things that i wanted to because i had to go with him. he told me about an hour before i had to leave and so i wasn’t really able to do what i needed to do. then when we got back i tried to start doing something for myself and went to my storage unit to continue the process of organizing my things between my van and my storage unit. then he calls me that he went to the hospital because he was feeling tightness in his chest. this has been going on since september when i came back from my journey. i came back because my mom hurt her arm and needed assistance with activities of daily living. so i drove back from north carolina after only a month of living my dream of living in my van and traveling. since then, i’ve been with my dad because he ended up having health and spiritual complications as well. he has been dealing with seemingly endless episodes of anxiety and PTSD. it is hard for me because it sometimes feels like he is allowing himself to become a victim of these things that are happening within his body. i don’t want anyone to be a victim, because we aren’t. things happen to us and then we must get up and learn to move forward.

this becomes a philosophical debate once we get deeper into this and begin to discuss things such as abuse, assault, etc. although these things become increasingly harder to deal with when they happen to us – and through the lens of our minds they are horrible things. through the lens of the cosmos, these are things that happen as a result of something else. abuse happens all the time and in no way is it okay. however, it is not the abuse-ees fault, the responsibility lie on the abuse-er. he/she MUST take responsibility for their actions and how they have negatively affected this other person. they will spend lifetimes doing this, until they learn how to coexist with the rest of the universe in peace. however, due to the law of cause and effect- the abuse-er has now given the abuse-ee a gift that they did not want; something to work through- “trauma”. it now becomes the responsibility of the abuse-ee to work through and deal with the thing that has happened to them. no matter how horrible the event is judged to be, this is still true. the abuse-ee can not force the abuse-er to become conscious, to repent, etc. nor can they go back in time. so now, as the laws of the universe state- we must learn to move forward. we must deal with the cards we have been dealt and continue to move forward with our lives, consciously creating the life that we have always dreamed of.

the concept of victimization is a tough one because it can make some people feel like you are diminishing what they are going through. which is in NO way true!!! the things we undergo in this life are HARD!! 100%!!! HOWEVER- this does NOT mean that you are not strong enough to overcome ANYTHING and still live a prosperous, happy and love filled life. this simply means that you have to shift your thinking and take responsibility for your life and what has happened and is happening in it every single day. no one else can make your life better or worse, EVERYTHING comes from you!! every. single. thing. if you feel your life isn’t where you want it to be, it’s not because of Velma, it’s because of you. don’t let Velma have control of your life! like who the fuck is Velma????

my beautiful internet friends, we are powerful beyond measure. and while there are some fucked up things that happen in this world and that we have to learn to move on from- YOU CAN DO IT. you would not be on this earth if you couldn’t. this is what my last #24borrowedhours have taught me. we must embody this principle and teach it to others, because while it is daunting- it is also empowering as fuck to know that you are not a victim of this life, but the creator of it. YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR FATE, YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN OF YOUR SOUL. I LOVE U!!

lady soi

Living off of 24 borrowed hours ~ Day 1: A series

Today I began yet another day of living off of my 24 borrowed hours. What am I to do? Where am I to go? How will I make use of my day? Will I move fast or keep it slow? Sometimes I get caught up in the rhymes, caught up in the rhythm. That I lose the sense. That happens a lot during my 24 hours. I woke up around 5 a.m. today, meditated and prayed for someone I love dearly and fell back to sleep. I woke up at 7:35 and had to be at the mechanic at 8, so I rushed through my toothbrushing and face washing. Didn’t pay any mind to the morning routine I have been so “diligently” trying to implement. There’s another thing I do too, I’m very hard on myself. As a result, I’m very hard on others as well. I don’t know if whoever is reading this has ever been personally victimized by my harshness but if you have, forgive me. I am learning.. I would say I am a student of life but I wouldn’t say that life has been my primary teacher. I am a student of the cosmos, when I can’t find an answer in the endless, restlessness of this life- i look to the cosmos. Sometimes I stare at the sky, sometimes I close my eyes and stare at my insides. Silently waiting for the cosmos to reveal the secrets of the universe to me so this life can become less drab. So far, I’ve learned a lot, I must say. I am 26 years old as of two months ago and my 16 year old self would have said I was old. I have had a strange relationship with time lately. I have begun to see myself as missing out on life instead of ripe and in the middle of life. It has been quite strange, considering.

I have so much anger inside. Why am I so angry? So tired? So depressed, anxious and cynical? I’ve always felt that there were two people inside of me. This isn’t just me, apparently theres entire debates and theories and whatever else on this. There is apparently a native saying that there are two wolves that live within us (light and dark), and whichever we feed, wins. I heard someone comment on this and say why should they be fighting over food, feed them equally and create internal balance. This I really loved because I love the idea that we don’t have to hide from our dark and starve it, because like the light it is part of us. But we don’t want to feed one more than the other because going too far off to either side may trap us in a wave of illusion, almost an ignorance to the imbalance happening within us. But then I think- well what about monks? They are human like us and they’ve achieved something far deeper than illusion by completely surrendering to the light. BUT this could not have been done without first acknowledging and accepting the dark. Once something is consciously acknowledged then you can move onto focusing what you actually want to grow. I don’t know today has been weird. I’ve done nothing all day. I don’t like it. I don’t know if i like me. Will update later.

8:46 pm ~ sometimes i get so lucid i want to die. truly. i think we should normalize the thought of death. i think it’s very normal to think of dying, of escaping. i really do. i think of it all the time. but thoughts are just thoughts. at some point we must realize that life comes from us. we put up walls where there are free pathways, for why? why do we tear down vast jungles of life and create concrete jungles to enslave ourselves? i was so very, painfully aware of this today. i spent over 7 hours being paralyzed by my thoughts and completely overwhelmed, i didn’t do anything. i didn’t make the tapestry for my dear friend, didn’t clean my car, nothing. at one point i had to leave the place i’m staying and start driving. wasn’t long before i pulled over to the side of the road to cry. and yell at myself. i’m pretty hard on myself, kind of a hard ass bitch truly. but ima boss ass bitch so i think that’s where it comes from. i truly just hate when i just fuck off and let external things ruin me and then blame everything. i hate being the victim. in a society where people rush to the stands for the victim olympics. i’m trying so desperately to break free. autonomy, sovereignty. these are the things i crave. to be in complete control by releasing all possible control. this is very hard. very possible. and i will achieve it. i will gain control of my thoughts and emotions. i will not allow others to control me, my emotions or my life. I AM NOT A VICTIM! I AM FREE WILL! AND I DO NOT CHOOSE SUFFERING. after i cried in my car and had a very ~serious~ talk with myself. i went to my storage unit and began the process of cleaning it and my van so i can re-begin my journey. i am proud of myself. i had a very hard day mentally but i still did that shit. i still showed up, even for a little. and THAT my beautiful internet friends, is where freedom lies.

xoxoxoxo, lady soi