24 borrowed hours : the void

the look of desire, fulfillment. the look in a child’s eyes when their food comes to the table. the look in a lovers eyes when you ask for advice. the look of longing, the look of despair. the way the child looks when their food falls to the ground. the way i look at an empty space when i wish you were there. desire longing lust wanting – temporary houses in which we can hide, from the conscious one who’s always asking us why. we hide behind big things, fun things, drunk things, things that allow us to pretend that the despair is no longer there.

seemingly potent desires that are fulfilled for too long will pave a clear way to show you what is really wrong. what happens after the angry child eats? after the lovers are together day after day? after i realize that you won’t come back to stay? life sets in and we have to deal with the day after day. i mean, a child obviously has less in his way than the lovers who argue and the lonesome girl with no one who’ll stay. however, we all eventually have to deal with the object of our desires. and most of the time, we’ll realize that it isn’t at all rooted in the wants that desires inspire.

i’m not sure if it’s there when we’re children, what do you think? i think it might be. especially if as a child we find ourselves in situations that are less than ideal, from this point on~ the void begins to grow. satisfied with yummy foods, new toys, funny shows – all temporary joys. the void continues to grow and by the time of the lovers, it’s taken control. have you ever stood in front of the void? rumor has it, it sucks up everything it sees. surrendering it to the darkness, leaving no trace for others to see.

what’s the void? it appears to be introduced with consciousness… as soon as we’re able to discern – we start to question things, start to try and figure things out. why is green green mommy? what does that do? and as we get older, the questions become longer and more persistent. more philosophical, bigger, gaping. When the questions leave unanswered, they leave behind the hopelessness of an unanswered question. The emptiness you feel when you ask a question in search of meaning, while on a quest to find the meaning of life, the meaning of purpose. That emptiness grows and personifies, some of us begin to identify as the void- as a black hole that sucks everything up and leaves no survivors. Start to feel like the void has already sucked us up and we’re floating lifelessly within it, no way out. I lived in my own void for a long time. The void is different for everyone, but what i’ve come to learn is that a void is not a blackhole, they are different things. when you stand in front of the void, question it, make yourself define it- it dies. because it’s not real. it doesn’t suck all that is around it up leaving no survivors. it’s not that serious. fear would have you think so, but it isn’t.

the only way out is in. if the feelings i have described feel familiar. then it’s time for you to stand in front of the void. confront it. ask it what it is? why do you feel this void? how long have you felt it? what makes it feel smaller? larger? at some point you’ll realized that it’s not real, the world is actually amazing. you created the void and threw yourself inside then told yourself it was all that is and would ever will be. do you really believe that?

xoxoo lady soi

24 borrowed hours ~ rhymes and the cosmos

Day 4 ~ anger, suffering, sadness, fear. these are things that unconsciously, we all tend to hold near. we dwell on thoughts that make these things rise, we stand in our pride and don’t abide by the rules of time. that we must let it go by. we can not remain stuck in the same box, we must allow it to flow and just let it all go. look away from the pain, allow it to leave your brain. you don’t need it to stay, not even fo one more day. there is fluidity in this life, don’t resist it just to gain strife. to justify your rampage, will only cause more damage. dearly beloved we are gathered here today, to say all the things you never got a chance to say. to speak your peace and claim your piece of heaven for ur words can give birth to heaven on earth. forgiveness births peace and hatred starves those who need to eat. every action trickles and breaths into every other action, of every other person you meet. we are entertwined you see, like the root system of a tree we communicate even when we have nothing to say. infinitily intelligent energy flows between you and me. comprises the us, the satrdust, the lust and the fuss. cosmic consciousness, erases all nonsense-ness. surrender to creator, letting go is sour now but you’ll thank me later

24 borrowed hours : day 3 : a lesson

we have 24 hours in this beautiful day that we have been given. 24 hours to do anything that we want. what will we do? where will we go? is there something in your life today that you don’t want to do? how can you change that? we must remember that we are not victims of this life, life is not happening at us, it is happening from us. we are creating everything that we see in our world and in our lives. everything begins within the mind, we must be very conscious of the paradigms that we allow to bind our grey matter together. these paradigms will be the foundation for everything that we create in this world, thought included. when and where are you holding yourself back?

yesterday i spent the entire day with my dad. he needed me to go to a doctor’s appointment with him. so i did. we got back around 5 and my entire day was gone, i was feeling a bit frustrated. because i hadn’t had the chance to do my morning routine or accomplish any of the things that i wanted to because i had to go with him. he told me about an hour before i had to leave and so i wasn’t really able to do what i needed to do. then when we got back i tried to start doing something for myself and went to my storage unit to continue the process of organizing my things between my van and my storage unit. then he calls me that he went to the hospital because he was feeling tightness in his chest. this has been going on since september when i came back from my journey. i came back because my mom hurt her arm and needed assistance with activities of daily living. so i drove back from north carolina after only a month of living my dream of living in my van and traveling. since then, i’ve been with my dad because he ended up having health and spiritual complications as well. he has been dealing with seemingly endless episodes of anxiety and PTSD. it is hard for me because it sometimes feels like he is allowing himself to become a victim of these things that are happening within his body. i don’t want anyone to be a victim, because we aren’t. things happen to us and then we must get up and learn to move forward.

this becomes a philosophical debate once we get deeper into this and begin to discuss things such as abuse, assault, etc. although these things become increasingly harder to deal with when they happen to us – and through the lens of our minds they are horrible things. through the lens of the cosmos, these are things that happen as a result of something else. abuse happens all the time and in no way is it okay. however, it is not the abuse-ees fault, the responsibility lie on the abuse-er. he/she MUST take responsibility for their actions and how they have negatively affected this other person. they will spend lifetimes doing this, until they learn how to coexist with the rest of the universe in peace. however, due to the law of cause and effect- the abuse-er has now given the abuse-ee a gift that they did not want; something to work through- “trauma”. it now becomes the responsibility of the abuse-ee to work through and deal with the thing that has happened to them. no matter how horrible the event is judged to be, this is still true. the abuse-ee can not force the abuse-er to become conscious, to repent, etc. nor can they go back in time. so now, as the laws of the universe state- we must learn to move forward. we must deal with the cards we have been dealt and continue to move forward with our lives, consciously creating the life that we have always dreamed of.

the concept of victimization is a tough one because it can make some people feel like you are diminishing what they are going through. which is in NO way true!!! the things we undergo in this life are HARD!! 100%!!! HOWEVER- this does NOT mean that you are not strong enough to overcome ANYTHING and still live a prosperous, happy and love filled life. this simply means that you have to shift your thinking and take responsibility for your life and what has happened and is happening in it every single day. no one else can make your life better or worse, EVERYTHING comes from you!! every. single. thing. if you feel your life isn’t where you want it to be, it’s not because of Velma, it’s because of you. don’t let Velma have control of your life! like who the fuck is Velma????

my beautiful internet friends, we are powerful beyond measure. and while there are some fucked up things that happen in this world and that we have to learn to move on from- YOU CAN DO IT. you would not be on this earth if you couldn’t. this is what my last #24borrowedhours have taught me. we must embody this principle and teach it to others, because while it is daunting- it is also empowering as fuck to know that you are not a victim of this life, but the creator of it. YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR FATE, YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN OF YOUR SOUL. I LOVE U!!

lady soi